I Hope I could stay here Longer...

I just arrive a few minutes ago here in Incheon International Airport(IIA).... I love the ambiance because there are no one here.... Arrive 3 am in the morning... so not much thing to do.... Still waiting for my flight at 8:20am.... need to be patient a little longer.... Drinking coffee at Cafe Amoje (snack & beverage)

I want to stay in Korea and roam around...

I was talking to a tourist awhile ago who has the same flight i am... they we're going to China.... I was referring for them to go to the Hidden Palace since for me is the most spectacular place i wanna see... Fully renovated palace that took 20 years.... at least 1 billion dollars worth of Gold bars for it to place in the walls, pillars and tapestry.... Haaaa.. i was astounded with the documentary about the "Hidden Palace"... it wasn't open to the public until 1995(i think)...

Eventhough China's air pollution is at it's maximum, the beauty of ones country is at its flaws....

You need to see the flaws before admiring the beauty of it's scenery...

People might label each and every country because of what happen in the past but be reminded that the people who commit their mistake is the same people who will rebuild it's own dignity & pride back to where it truly belongs....

WHy!?

i had this feeling for sometime now.... i really hate it... Why do people who are close to you are only there for you when you are needed...?

sad about this is the person who i am referring to now is my cousin..

he never say hi or whatever.. but for some reason right now... he just send me messages and stuff and i don't want to comment or do anything about it.... i really hate that type of feeling that you are sometimes used by this people....

all i can say my younger brother comes first in my life...

An Introduction (Coming Out)

After a few years of being confused yet my interest are still the same but i always tried to be attracted with the opposite sex but still i feel unwillingly to have a reason to fall for one.

Tried my best with one but i think the feeling just swept away with a mistake. It was my mistake not her's but i am such a coward on opening up how i feel. It's not that i have lost hope but having feelings with same gender is greater than having feelings with an opposite sex.

Up until now i feel confused. Up until now i don't want to open up to my parents especially my dad that i am even gay. I know that my mom consider it as a sickness, disease or an epidemic but her opinion does not matter my dad is. I love my dad because he has endure so much and sacrificed so much and i understand him more than my mom.

I hope that one day i can open it up to my dad that i am queer so that's why i can move on with my life.

"Life would never begin if it never ended"

Dreaming of dreams that will never come true...

A few minutes ago i was dreaming about this certain person who i keep thinking about. Is not the type of dream that i normally have, it isn't even those dreams that have sexual encounters.

Since the day i keep on going there to drop things for my parents and get those things after a week, i keep on seeing him. I think it might infatuation but i really don't want to be in a long term relationship. I want to stay happy.... and first of all it is impossible for me and him to be together because we might not have anything in common aside the academic degree we take.

I don't want to confess my love nor will it even be possible for that type of situation to happen.

maybe he's married now because he is successful in what he is doing with his life even though i only see him on weekends (just an analysis on his working schedule, going back and forth there for a several months) but sometimes seeing him makes my heart beats faster than the usual..

But certain things in both of our worlds are impossible. I can't enumerate a few because there are countless things that i can site but none can fit even in a top ten. This might be the only dream that will never come true....

.....

i have alot of friends that i know but only a few i will certainly cherish and call... There are also people that i don't want to meet in life and i don't want to meet at all.

"the past will hunt me no matter what.
the sadness will follow like my shadows
the grief i'll suffer will be buried with me
THEY will be as SHALLOW as the deep blue sea"

I always wants to write poems of everything. i would deny every soul in that place where it all started. the fear of sometimes setting a foot in that area would give me terror throughout my days. i can't stop having this flashbacks all over again.

Reading a story

Starting to write a story.... how would you consider a story which started off as an autobiography but then exaggerate some areas and then made a fictional ending...?!

I hate it sooo much

I hate it so much that both of them fight.... Such a negative environment.. I hate being here in the first place.(nothing personal) but there are certain reasons.

sobbing...

Don't like fighting...

Don't like arguing....

Don't like certain things right now...

Don't like MY WHOLE ******....

i hate it... sometimes death is the only end to all the problems

nothing much to do...

Soon i'll be unveiling something that i hope it'll push thru..

Avoidance

Life is complicated once it starts to irritate you in all angles....

it starts at first in front of you... from your teachers humiliating in front of the class, then your classmates tease you a lot (until you freakin cry), then you get criticism from people who absolutely doesn't care on what you feel..

then 2nd at the back of you... you would just realized that your own group of so-called friends would even neglect you to the outmost point that they will even confront you and tell you that you ain't worth being a friend(back to number 1)...

then 3rd at your side... you would just notice it while walking at a local mall that your own friends friend are gossiping and pointing fingers at you and laughing that all what they have fucking heard in school about you.... take that from your friends, huh, piece of crap.. you already have to spend 8 years with snobs and worthless shit half of your life and then you'll hear it in public places that even you don't care.... and the only place where you are suppose to feel relief is a good place to roam around and even that place is swarming with insects

then 4th on top... why on top... you just notice it in a local activity in school that you just felt something fell in your head... okay if it's bird poo or something but ROCKS.... 2 INCH rocks... they're ain't even pebbles falling from the sky and i have to deal with ROCKS... it's okay if it happens once... but twice... FUCK the person who threw them... not having a grudge on someone...


But you know what i have learned from my past....
1) Never ever have friends that are so plastic... you'll notice it in a few weeks from one of your circle, but one of them maybe a trusted one but he/she is also bias in your decision and the other group therefore, have friends from a different school...
2) Teachers are better to be closed than your classmates.. coz one you could get good ideas from them, tips on life, and goood incentives at time to time... it's like baking a cake and then eating it too...
3) Avoid people who'll only comes to you when you are needed. Example: a classmate of yours who you aren't close with came up to you and ask favors first it'll starts with a piece of paper, then it will be ballpen(didn't return after use, then didn't thanked you afterwards), then only cheats on you in chem class because your good at it... F.U. to those people!!!!!!!!!
4) There are alot of jerks in my highschool because i am actually surrounded by all of them.. some maybe the geekier ones(but still they are consider popular coz the awards that they gave to the school and I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I AM FRIENDS WITH THEM!!!!!!), then they're are the varsity ones(too popular well known for shooting three point, winning competitions from intramurals, and whatsoever<<< SCREW THIS PEOPLE), then the OTHERS(what are these others, they are those typical students who are only average quiet discreet of their appearances but they are their, BUT THIS PEOPLE ALSO ARE A PIECE OF SH!TZ<<< silent but more deadlier than other part of the society in the classroom), lastly the class bullies(these are the people who uses people, blackmailing them whatever they want to get from you, do anything to you to make you the piece of shit of worth you really have)
PS: Its better to avoid these people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5) Find a proper place to be in solace or free by yourself(what i did, nearly killed me though...!)
So therefore find your inner peace or find a place to be by yourself>>> Chapel suitably....

6) Nothing is greater than talking with a priest time to time... share emotions cost it'll help..
Psychiatrist may do(but it'll cost you per hour)....

there are more... but the only thing i did right now... coz i am actually away from those people is to avoid them....

Good Luck with your life

Hope yours would be better than mine

A Mother's Day Letter

Dear Mom,

i know you want what's best for me, but did you ever inquire about what i want that is best for me.

Your opinion only benefits what you want and what other people wants. You only want other people to like you for what you have but beneath those glamorous clothes, branded and stylish bags is a person who works hard, looks old enough to be my grandmother, and try to plan something that soon will never happen.

You always think of things that you want for the future but never always plan it. You are trying to impress the people in our hometown all the things that you have, the place where you stayed in and everything but those people once insulted you, made you feel worthless in every situation you have been so far even up to now and only chosen a few will you only consider a true one.

Whenever you come home people we always think that you are someone but when i realized what you have done so far your presence has been so irritable that i'd feel useless in your presence and consider everybody a threat from my friends. You want e to be friends with people who are high in power, rich and obviously a social climber. I don't want to be friends with people who are like that coz its hard to impress people like that because they will not appreciate the simple things in life.

Of all the people i have met you are the only person that i want to go away because all you thought that i am fine and okay being here beside you all the time but sometimes i feel that my world will crumble every second i hear your voice trying to give me your future plans, and giving me advice on what to invest in my life (but in reality you of all people will ONLY benefit it).

I feel your stupidity will rub on me whenever i am near you. i feel all you said so far was more of what you want for your own life not mine. i always thought before that my hate for you was just a phase but when it all piles up i consider you a threat in my plan in life, a hindrance to every goals that i want to reach and a parasite from what i will soon earn for myself.

I will always love you but my respect for you has already faded the time i graduated on my first course. Because you consider me liar and a threat to our family....

i hope you won't suffer all the debt that you have cause unto yourself. All the lies that you have told me, choosing other people than your own kids and trying to buy us off with material things.

from your 2nd son.

PS:
No more hugs & kisses coz you don't need one.

Something New....

Since i have been here doing nothing at all... I have decided to write stories, poems and anything that is on my mind...

It may be hard what i am going to say but at least i am actually putting it into writing.

Anything could be nice and worthy enough to write but if its my own. It is worth writing eventhough if soon i might face criticism along the way...